I’ve been away for quite long. Again. I have been swamped. Between finishing grad school and mum falling seriously ill, I’ve had a lot to juggle. I am glad however, that the darkest days are past me. Mum’s much better now, though she requires constant care. I, still am trying to land a decent job.
I got over Charming by the way. Turned out he was frog after all. A cowardly narcissistic asshole to be more apt. A fuckboy. It took me the better part of 2015 to flush him out of my system. Good riddance! 🙂
The best part about 2016 turned out to be me catching up on my reading. I read over thirty books. I know it’s not a big number for most of you. It is for me, however.
I have been thinking a lot about, well, a lot of stuff. Everything in my life’s haywire. And I feel like I’m drowning in quicksand. My family is beyond dysfunctional. My lovelife is non-existent. My career is not even taking off. And to top that off, I’m an empath surrounded by narcissists and sociopaths who are perpetually draining the little vigour I have left.
I had to write about it, seeing that no one cared enough to listen to me (Of course, PD, and AV lend an ear every so often; I am blessed for that). I don’t know how many of you still read my blog, but just typing this out makes me feel a load lighter 🙂
Excerpt from Robert Burns’ Auld Lang Syne
Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
On old long syne.
So couple of days back, I finally told Charming I love him. And he said that he didn’t feel the same way, that he never did. It was hard, considering earlier that day I’d gone to watch Bajrangi Bhaijaan with Fiona, and I cried way too much; a little bit was for the movie, but mostly I just couldn’t stop picturing how Charming would look like in that light. What he would look like when he turned on his left to me and smiled in that blue gray shirt of his, that he wore on the first day to class. I just couldn’t stop.
I thought things had changed … for the better, but I guess I was just seeing what I wanted to. I’m still trying to figure out what I should do. I know I still want to be friends with him, the same that we used to be, but in retrospect, I’m just afraid it’s going to end up all superficial, despite him saying we’d stay friends.
He tells me that he’d be friends if that’s what I want, or I could hate and curse him and stay away ’cause that’d make things easier. If only it were that easy.
I came across this on Instagram. I wanted to share it here. ‘Cause its beautiful, and heart wrenching all at once. And mostly ’cause i hope it. I hope it for all you guys. And I hope it for me.
Also it’s the way I fell in love with Charming.
Credit: Poems Porn
I hope that you will fall in love with someone who will smother your bruised hands with kisses.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and tell you how beautifully messy you are.
I hope that you will fall for someone who is not afraid to love you, and is too madly in love with you to leave you.
I hope that you will fall for someone who cannot stay mad at you for long, who cannot bear the pain of not talking to you at all.
I hope that you will fall for someone who reads your books and listens to your songs just to know what you have in mind.
I hope that you will fall for someone who understands you, who will always be there for you no matter what happens.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will still kiss you goodnight, no matter how big the fight may be during the day.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will never get tired of your dramas, of the things you are crazy about, and that he will love them all too.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will tease you so much, and will then comfort you when you get mad from all the teasing.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will eat the food you cook, no matter how bad it can be.
I hope that you will fall for someone who can’t go on a day without your voice, your smile, and you.
I hope that you will fall for someone who will see you as something that is oh so precious.
I just hope that you will happily fall for someone, even if that someone is not me.”
—A letter I will never send to her
I’ve been reading The Alchemist again. It gives me hope. Always. It has so much wisdom to offer.
“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.”
– The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
You know how when you skip breakfast for days together and then one day you have breakfast, you just start feeling all the more hungry? So much, that it gives you cramps!
That’s exactly what happened to me that day. For the past couple of months I haven’t been having breakfast thanks to school shipping my pretty bottom (Nope, not tooting my own horn. That’s just Charming’s opinion of it! Blush! LOL 😛 See, how I brought him up again. Dammit!) out of the city. I mean I know you shouldn’t, and it’s the most important meal of the day-crap, but well, I really haven’t had much choice. It was either skipping it or harassing my gut to process tons of oil-dipped food. I chose the first, of course.
Following this, I started to crave for food. I was eagerly waiting for lunch. But much to my surprise, even after I gobbled down large portions, my cramps didn’t go away. They only seemed to intensify over the next hour. And I started craving once more. Something Italian would be heaven. (I should totally marry one too. Italian men. Italian food. And wine. What else do you really need 😛 )
So I sat at the end of the hall with my cramps and cravings, listening to one lecture after another at another seminar for the new joinees. And as I did so, my mind wandered to Charming as it always does. ALWAYS! And I started to relate this whole breakfast-cramps-cravings situation with my incessant yearning for him. I can go for like a month without a lot of communication with him. I mean, sure it’s a little difficult at first, but you get used to it. And then one day suddenly I feel extra stupid, or may be not stupid enough for that matter, and to make up for that I go ahead and text/ call him. Sometimes he replies. Sometimes he doesn’t. If it’s a text he mostly ignores it. And then I feel awful, and swear never to text him first. And repeat. You know the drill. It’s a vicious cycle.
It isn’t fair how I miss you so much and you, you don’t 😦 At least you do anything about it, if at all you do miss me 😦