Is This What Rock Bottom Feels Like?

Last year I graduated college. I earned degree in engineering only to learn that it wasn’t my niche. I was panic struck. I didn’t what to do. I didn’t want to rush into something and crash. Again. And my hesitation and confusion lasted long enough for me to miss out on the (local) admissions deadlines for PG.

And then came the inevitable breakup. I think it was pretty much over some like almost year earlier, but we kept it. Maybe out of habit. And the fact how comfy we were around each other. So much that we took it for granted. I guess when you’ve been with someone for that long, it’s hard to breakup just ’cause of habit. So there it was. Three years of my life that would never come back. If only I knew better.

Then that one song which made all those feelings for you come rushing back. I really am sorry for my erratic behavior before, RB. I guess I just couldn’t contain my feelings for you. I mean, it took me so long to realize them in the first place. And when I did, all of it came rushing back again. And I guess, I had to tell you. I know you’ve a girlfriend and that it wasn’t a very nice thing to do, to have continued to send you flirty messages. There are no excuses good enough. So I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize. I’m sorry. I really am.

It’d be nice if I could’ve actually gotten to know you, you know. I’ve always wanted that. When we were back in school, I hoped we’d become close friends. You’re a great guy. And I guess nothing’s gonna happen with you and me. But all those things that I think happened at school… The way you behaved to get my attention. The way you paid attention to me… Well, most of the times I’m not even sure if it was what actually happened or its what I chose to see or what Priya and Sahana showed me. I’ll never know, I guess. But I’ll try to pretend that’s okay. And that I’m okay with the way things are … Or whatever.

Sometimes I think its so stupid and insane. And I find it hard to believe. But its what I’m feeling. And I miss you. So very much.

I’d had the feeling that I was falling for you back in school and I’d freaked out so many times. And then I’d reasoned with myself over and over, and tried my best to convince myself it wasn’t so. I bottled up my feelings. I told you I was having a moral conflict ’cause of the Rakhi incident. And now it’s an even bigger mess.

I’m simply exhausted of my whole situation. With you. With my family. With my future. And almost everything else. I’m having problems with my faith. I’m trying so hard to make things okay. But nothing seems to work out. The harder I try to glue things together, the more quickly they keep falling apart. And I’m finding it hard to hold on to hope, and find strength to keep fighting. I’ve grown all jittery, frustrated and short-tempered. I feel angry, all the time. And it’s a terrible feeling I tell you. I’ve wished that I wasn’t born, so many times over. I was really counting on that 2012 doomsday rumour. LOL! I remember the little conversation we had that day on your Facebook status update’s comment thread. It’s kinda silly that I do, right :P I think that’s my problem, that I remember it too much.

The only thing that really lightens my mood these days is when I think of the times back in school when were together. I remember a long time back you’d written something on the same lines. Now I kinda what you meant :)

And now as I stand here, on the edge of a new tomorrow, I firmly hope and pray and believe things will only get better from here on.

P.S. I realize its all too repetitive, but I’m trying hard to deal with this. Hopefully once I’m done, my mind won’t be consumed with these thoughts anymore.

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